Although We've Come To The End of the Road....

I've been very quiet here lately, and there's good reason for it.  There are major changes happening here personally, and I've need the time to deal with them.

There may be more personal information here than needed, but I think it's cathartic to write it out.

First of all, it's been a LOOOOOONG time coming, but I am leaving my husband.  It's mostly a mutual decision, but like in everything else in our marriage, I had to make the first move.  I don't hate him, but I have no respect left and more than anything I am so frustrated by him that it makes my eyes cross.  He's literally the laziest person around - if something doesn't affect him in that very moment, he sees no reason to address it.  And that has left me to step up and take care of everything, including being a single parent to OUR son for the past 7 years.  He has never once supported my horse passion, and as is typical of him if he doesn't understand or support something, he does everything in his power to rip it apart.  I had a horse and was single before, and I will still have my horse and be single again.  We are still "living together" although I have my own room and he has his....and we work opposite shifts so we only see each other on the weekends.  Things so far have been amicable, and I hope for the sake of my son, that it continues.  However, he has been a bad father to our son....and he's now old enough to know that and talk about it.  I mean, how do you answer when your 7yo asks, "Mommy, why doesn't Daddy ever play with me?  What doesn't Daddy ever take me anywhere?  Why does Daddy always yell at me?"  Ugh.

Secondly, I want nothing to do with this monster of a house, and the monster of a mortgage payment.  Added to that, my loving husband has always refused to put my name on the mortgage or the house....which makes it infinitely easier to walk away (thank you very much).  So, as I have a son, dog and 3 cats to bring along, I've had some decisions to make on where to live.  Thankfully, the Lord has opened some HUGE doors and I've found a wonderfully perfect house that I'm falling in love with.  I went to see it again today, and am even more convinced that it's right....so tomorrow I talk to the money folks and see if they will approve me for the loan....then hopefully later this week I will make an offer.  It's occupancy at closing, so I'm really keeping everything crossed that I can get in before Christmas.  Tall order, I know, but even just to start moving things over would be awesome.

And lastly....but what has the most impact on this blog....I am calling New Vocations tomorrow to let them know I simply cannot afford 2 horses on my single-girl salary.  :(  Thankfully, their policy is that anytime in the first 12 months, the horses can come back no questions asked...I just don't get the adoption fee back.  And really...when I get really honest, he and I are not a good fit.  He's quite reactive and spooky when out of the indoor arena, and has gotten me off several times.  I don't have the time to work him regularly that he needs.  And, while I do love the guy, I am adult enough to admit that this decision would've come regardless of my personal situation.  I have really enjoyed these 10 months with him, and I think I was in his life for a reason.  I was able to give him a wonderful let-down time from the track - he has healed from most of the emotional baggage that comes with an OTTB....but more so he has learned how to be a real horse now!  He loves to roll in the mud, he begrudges the time he's in his stall, he loves his turnout, and he loves to eat!  He is wonderful on the ground, and I think will be fantastic for someone under saddle....just not me.  :(  Plus...I have my mostly retired girl to think about - there's no way I would ever sell her....and he will EASILY find a wonderful home.  

So, that's it.  The end of my and Farno's road.  I'm sad to see him go, as I usually give life-long committments to my animals....but it's an easy decision - I choose my family and I choose the horse I've already made the life-long committment to (and who won't find a home anywhere else)....but it's still very sad.  He nudged himself into my heart, and it will be hard to take him off the trailer and say goodbye.  We have a good bond, but there's no trust...and without trust there is nothing....but those nickers of greetings each time will be sorely missed. 

Jill